


Portents of Adulthood

by thephilosophersapprentice



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: But he's trying, Gen, Parental Maes Hughes, Parental Roy Mustang, Roy doesn't know anything about children, coming of age? sort of?, ed voice: can y'all just keep your damn fingers out of my mouth?!, losing baby teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21947209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephilosophersapprentice/pseuds/thephilosophersapprentice
Summary: Roy comes back to the office to a sharp reminder that Edward is really still just a kid.
Relationships: Edward Elric & Maes Hughes, Edward Elric & Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes & Roy Mustang
Comments: 56
Kudos: 606





	Portents of Adulthood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [invalidprophet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invalidprophet/gifts).



If anyone ever asked him, Colonel Roy Mustang would say that ever since Edward Elric had joined his team, Mustang had not known a moment’s peace.

However, that was not quite true. While every day was an… _adventure_ with the Fullmetal Alchemist under his command, it didn’t necessarily follow that that was unwelcome.

On the other hand, this also meant that Roy never meant to expect.

For instance, today Roy pushed the half-open door open far enough to walk inside only to hear a _bonk_ and a screech. He poked his head around the door and saw Havoc and Edward—Edward had tumbled over on top of Havoc, who was in the middle of tying a fine thread to the doorknob. Edward sniffled loudly. “I don’t want to! Stop it!” he shouted at Havoc, not having noticed Roy’s appearance.

Havoc flinched. “Sorry, Chief, but that tooth’s gotta come out.”

“No! Don’t!” Edward shouted.

Mustang forced his face into neutrality. “What’s going on here, gentlemen?” Trust something like this to happen on Hawkeye’s day off, of all days. Normally, she was a calming, sane influence on all of them.

Edward didn’t seem to even notice that he was sitting on top of Havoc as he struggled with the thread around his tooth. “Havoc wants to yank my tooth out!” he shouted, still at full volume.

“You’re just going to keep worrying at it and it might get infected,” Havoc said wearily.

Edward burst into tears. “I don’t want to!” he shouted, still at full volume. “Just leave it alone! Leave _me_ alone!”

“I can just reach in your mouth and pull the tooth out with my fingers,” Roy observed.

Edward glared at him through reddened eyes. “Just you try it. I’ll bite you.”

“I have no doubt,” Roy murmured, but kept his hands far away from Edward all the same.

“Aren’t you excited to see what you’ll get from the tooth fairy?” Havoc cajoled.

Edward glared at both of them—the expression of a child who had met god and wasn’t impressed. It wasn’t that far off from what had actually happened, Roy mused. “I don’t believe in the tooth fairy.”

Havoc glanced at Roy as if to say _throw me a stick here, sir_.

“Edward,” Roy began.

Edward began to sob again, furiously. “Just because I’m a kid,” he mumbled. “You’re treating me like a kid! Let me make up my own mind!” He spewed a few expletives for good measure—probably in an attempt to forget the vulnerability of his current situation.

Roy groaned inwardly. Edward did really look pitiful like that, the enormous topaz eyes brimming with tears, torn between rage and helpless sobbing. It wasn’t fair. He hadn’t signed up for this—to get caught up in psychological warfare with a twelve-year-old.

 _He probably hasn’t ever met an adult who knew what to do with him_ , the voice in Roy’s head—the one that sounded suspiciously like Hawkeye—said. _He deserves better. They both do._

Stifling an internal groan, Roy crouched down next to Edward. “Edward?”

With a snort, Edward turned his head to face Roy. He managed to look somehow both outraged and pathetic.

“Tell me what you want,” Roy said, inwardly cursing how _limp_ that sounded.

Edward glared at him, eyes still red. “I _want_ you to leave me alone! Stupid bastard.”

Roy sighed. “Havoc, untie that string, please.” Slowly, Havoc nodded. He had siblings of his own and knew more about dealing with children than Roy did. As Havoc untied the string, Edward kept glaring at Roy distrustfully. “Fullmetal,” Roy said cautiously. “Starting today, I want you to gargle warm salt water after you eat.” He did his best to make it sound firm—like an order. “Keep doing that until a few days after that tooth comes out. And keep your tongue away from the tooth and the gap as much as you can. It’ll decrease the chance of infection.”

“Yes, sir,” Edward mumbled.

“You’ll do it,” Roy repeated.

Ed looked away, nodding. It was as sincere as the preteen got. As confused as the rest of Edward’s personal code was, he was at least a man of his word. When Edward made a promise, it was as good as done already.

“So, Chief,” Havoc asked, fumbling with the knot—an older brother he might be, but forethought and common sense? Those were more questionable—“what are you going to do with the tooth when it comes out? Since the Tooth Fairy won’t be coming for it.”

Edward shuddered. “I don’t know. It’s weird, thinking about my bones being elsewhere. I think Mom just tossed our teeth out when we lost them.”

“It is a bit weird,” Havoc said, “come to think about it.” He swore under his breath, fumbling with the thread.

The door bonked into Havoc and Edward again, breaking Havoc’s concentration on the thread.

“Yo, Roy!” a familiar voice shouted. Before Havoc, Roy, or Edward could stop him, Maes Hughes slammed the door behind him.

Edward let out a pained yelp as the tooth jerked free. He was, too obviously, trying not to burst into tears. “You yanked my tooth out!” he shrieked at the newcomer.

For once, Hughes was lost for words for several seconds. The situation had caught even the family man off-guard and now he blinked at Edward as if he was some bizarre freak of nature instead of a twelve-year-old boy whose adult teeth still had not yet all come in.

“Oh… Sorry, Ed,” Hughes found his voice at last.

“Be more careful with doors!” Edward shouted, outraged.

Havoc finally gave up on trying to untie the thread from the door handle and yanked hard on it, breaking it off. He held up the thread, Edward’s tooth dangling from it. “You want it, Chief?”

“ _No_ ,” Edward snapped.

Hughes crouched down to get on Edward’s eye level. Edward glared right back at him distrustfully like an irate, half-feral cat.

Roy was not a cat person.

“Edward. Is it all right if I take your tooth?” Maes asked.

Edward was still staring at everyone distrustfully, as if he didn’t trust them to start claiming his fingers next. “Why?”

Maes smirked. “It’s a parent thing. A sort of rite of passage, like the first haircut. You’re that much closer to becoming an adult. Just because your mother passed away shouldn’t mean that no one will want to mark out those milestones with you. Besides, you and Elicia share a birthday. It would be proper to acknowledge that, wouldn’t it?”

Edward shrugged. “I still think it sounds weird, but… okay, I guess.”

For once, Roy was grateful for Maes’ bizarre parenting instincts, even if it involved scrapbooking and far too many Polaroids. Even if they could never have a normal childhood now, it was good for Edward and Alphonse to have some form of normalcy…

Maes whipped out his camera and took a photograph of Ed, tooth gap and all, and the office dissolved into chaos again.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays, invalidprophet! I hope you enjoyed this. I know I said I was going to do a modern au but my muse just went "nope" so I went for slice of life. Imagine how adorable gap-toothed Ed would be...
> 
> 20 years later someone asks Elicia why the Fullmetal Alchemist's tooth is in her memory box that her father left her. Imagine how awkward that conversation would be.
> 
> This kind of grew out of how _weird_ our traditions around losing teeth actually are. I once asked my mom "you didn't keep our baby teeth, did you?" and was relieved when she said "no" but at the same time, just putting them in the trash... just as bizarre.


End file.
